I Like ____-ing

By Betsy Bradford

There is an advertisement on my bus to remind you to get consent before engaging in sexual activity. It boasts the line "I like ___-ing on the first date," and suggests various words that you could fill in the blank, and concludes that you always need to talk. The idea in and of itself is fine, but some of their suggestions for that blank make me concerned for the individuals on that date. Sure, there are some sweet things in there, like cuddling or cooking, but then there are these:

"I like working on the first date."

Girl: I thought we were going to do dinner and movie.

Guy: Just give me a minute. I've gotta finish this before the deadline, or Old Man Jenkins will have my ass.

Girl: But we’re on a date!

Guy: You know, you could be helping me here.

"I like competing on the first date."

Girl: I’m so glad we're finally doing this!

Guy: Me too! Hey, wanna race to the car?

Girl: What?

Guy: Ready, set, go!

Girl: Wait! I'm wearing heels! Eek! (falls)

Guy: Ha! I win! In yo face, biotch!

"I like teaching on the first date."

Girl: I've wanted to try this restaurant for a long time.

Guy: Yeah, they've got the best menu in town.

Girl: I think I'm going to try to salmon.

Guy: Salmon! You shouldn't eat that.

Girl: Why not?

Guy: Let me give you a treatise on the devastating ecological impact of farm-raised salmon, followed by a twenty question short-answer test.

Waiter: Can I take your order?

Guy: Come back in an hour. I've got some teaching to do.

"I like traveling on the first date."

Girl: Hey, didn't you want that exit?

Guy: Nope.

Girl: But aren’t we going to Scarpetta?

Guy: Nah, I’ve got a better idea. We're going to the airport!

Girl: Wait, what?

Guy: I'm taking you to Acapulco for our first date! Aren't you excited?

Girl: What? No! Get me out of here!

Guy: But they're non-refundable tickets, baby. Ack! Why are you macing me?

"I like performing on the first date.

Girl: Can't we go to the restaurant now?

Guy: Not until I finish the third act of Hamlet. It's very rude of you to interrupt me, you know.

"I like sleeping on the first date."

Girl: So, I was thinking we could go to that new comedy club everyone's been talking about. I hear it's great. Um, hello? Are you listening?

Guy: (snore)

"I like cleaning on the first date."

Guy: Oh, and once you've finished vacuuming the living room, could you dust the blinds? I'll be mopping the kitchen.

"I like singing on the first date."

Girl: Can't we just ... oh, never mind. I'm out of here.

Guy: Sixty-six bottles of beer on the wall, sixty-six bottles of beer ...

Wow. Just ... wow. I've got to wonder where the writer came up with this list. Were these things they'd actually tried on a first date? Or did they just flip through a dictionary looking for random gerunds? Either way, I've got to hope that my fellow bus riders won't be tempted to try any of these suggestions, unless they're hoping to never make it to the second date.