Zombie Apocalypse? Now!

By Andrew Herold

I know I wasn’t the only one hoping the recent rash of bath salt induced homicides were leading up to a much more interesting conclusion: the inevitable zombie apocalypse. And though I may be a morbid person, and perhaps I do have a few anger issues, these didn’t really factor in to my hope that the Z.A. is just around the corner. Well, mostly they don't factor in. As a matter of fact, I have a few selfless reasons for wishing this particular tragedy would just hurry up and happen all ready.

For example...

1. Values will shift to where they should have been all along:

Were you one of those kids in school who wondered why there was never money for academic programs, but the football team always had new jerseys? (Home and away, of course—they weren't heathens.) Assuming you're reading this article, you were probably that kind of kid. It didn't make sense then, and after a horde of flesh eating undead descend on the world it would make even less. Assuming there are enough people left alive after, human values would shift to where they should be in any civilized society. Leadership, intelligence, common sense and selflessness would all be regarded highly, and greatly prized. These are the things that will keep you alive and one step ahead of those rotten, snapping teeth. Sure, being able to run helps, don't get me wrong there, but if you're running for your life and stop for that touchdown, chances are the zombies might tackle you and sink their teeth into that tight-end you're so proud of.

2. The Earth would finally go green:

The environmentalists among you will love this one. Providing you're not deaf and blind, you've heard people bitching and complaining about the state of the Earth (and what might happen to it in the future). Well good news, folks! Not only are zombies a major predator, they're also scavengers. They are the modern equivalent of the Tyrannosaurus Rex. With most of the human population wiped out (except for the few small caches of people with common sense), pollution will virtually stop, massive water consumption will stop, the degradation of the ozone layer will slow significantly, overfishing and overhunting (and that odious human tradition of hunting for "sport") will cease. The result? Nature will reclaim the earth, absorbing and annihilating all man-made objects—yes, even your precious hybrid cars. Wildlife will flourish, the environment will stabilize itself, and, providing the zombies are the kind which can starve, a new predator will rise to the top of the food chain, overtaking humans once and for all. We'd revert back to our cave mentalities for survival, and isn't that what the environmentalists want? Hell, even Al Gore could get behind this.

3. Boredom would be a thing of the past:

If I'm being honest here, the only thing which has prompted me to write this article is boredom. Seriously, I just cleaned the house and the fish tank, shaved, showered, and read. I got bored. After the zombies, though, do you think that would be an issue anymore? I don't. Every single shower could be your last. You'd power through that shit, spraying soap and water all over the walls in your rush, as the sounds of zombies eating your dog (or your neighbor) float through your front door. There's no way you're gonna get bored during that! Think about it—the mundane act of grocery shopping would turn into a version of Grand Theft Auto. You steal a car, grab your groceries and blow some mother-fucker away! Excitement at every corner!

4. Your social status would skyrocket:

Be honest with yourself here. If you're not 90 and not a survivalist from Montana, you want stuff. You want a big house filled to the brim with crap you don't need. You want to walk around with your pockets stuffed with wads of fuck-you-money. Well, after the zombies invade, you can! Want a bigger house? TAKE ONE! Personally, I intend to overtake Vanderbilt Mansion in Hyde Park, fortify the ever-loving hell out of it, pack it full of all kinds of anti-zombie weapons I can find and live like the insane Napoleon of the Hudson Valley. All of the depression you felt before because you weren't self-actualized would simply lift. You would be the person you want to be. After all, most of the people who told you that you'd never amount to anything are probably dead anyway! Speaking of which...

5. Chances are, most of the stupid assholes will be dead:

I know, just because you think someone is a stupid asshole doesn't really make them one. Also, the chances of every asshole on the planet being wiped out is unlikely, but you really think that your jack-off neighbor who runs his chainsaw at 5:00 a.m, or runs his four-wheeler on a trail under your bedroom window all day after you worked an overnight is going to have enough survival skills to make it through the first wave? What about that lady who bitched you out when you were making her a sandwich at the restaurant where you work? The one who flipped out because there was too much mustard? I'm guessing zombies would eat her with or without condiments. And let's be honest, if mustard throws her for that much of a loop, zombies would probably cause her internal organs to explode out of her chest, anyway. Suddenly, the gene pool is getting deeper and stronger and we're turning out kids without birth defects who aren't learning to be assholes from their asshole parents.

6. Diet and exercise will cease to matter:

Well, perhaps "cease to matter" isn't quite right, but let's face it, you wouldn't have to consciously focus on them anymore, would you? Let's say you see half of your classmates mowed down by an erstwhile biology teacher turned zombie (go ahead and picture it in a short sleeve plaid shirt and know you want to). You got away because you threw a fetal pig into a group of your classmates and the zombie went after it like gangbusters. You saw what happened to them, didn't you? You were thankful that you were able to run fast enough to get away, weren't you? You really don't want that second piece of cherry pie now, do you? Twinkies, pies,'d unconsciously steer clear of these because, let's face it, fear of being cannibalized by zombies is a hell of a better motivator than a ho-ho on a stick. You'd stay in shape, or succumb to zombie-itis. It would be "survival," not "eating right." And you sure as hell wouldn't be doing it so that hot guy in your class pays attention to you...he's more into chicks with brains anyway.

7. Smoking, drinking and drugs would no longer be socially wrong:

I'm not saying that I advocate any of these activities (and if I did, I'd have to advocate them in moderation), but they all have a certain stigma attached to them in society. Drinking is probably the most socially acceptable activity of the three listed, but not to excess. You smoke one cigarette or joint at a charity fundraiser, though, and they'll be talking about you for years to come. Not after the zombie hordes! Suddenly, if you want a cigarette, you can have a cigarette! Say you're shopping and just need to freebase—do it! Who the hell is going to judge you? The undead? The one asshole who survived the first wave? Fuck 'em! Besides, let's say you light up and the asshole next to you starts that overdramatic fake coughing. The coughing draws a zombie, which they don't see because they're too concerned with your business. Well, you just let them go on coughing and waving the offending smoke away as three zombie-nuns fall on them and rip their lungs out through their back. I'm sure the Z-Sisters will appreciate how pink and healthy those lungs are.

8. Reality TV will finally be worth watching:

This only applies if there is some small splinter group who manages to secure a small city and are able to keep the electric on. Regardless, could you imagine the amazing shows they would produce? A Survivor style show where they drop 5 unsuspecting people into the middle of a zombie infested Detroit? I hate reality TV, but I would watch the absolute shit out of that. They could call it Zurvivor. What about a real life hunting show where the zombies are placed in a large game preserve (like Nebraska) and rich people pay buckets of money to hunt them? We could call it The Most Dangerous...Braaaaaiiiiinnnnsssss. Or one about zombies in prison—some locked in cells, some in solitary, some drooling and standing in a corner in the shower. That's right, its Oz-mbie. Now that's marketable!

9. There would actually be equality for one and all:

Now this one may be the most important. Our constitution guarantees equal rights for all, which as we all know is a load of bunk. At the end of the world, though, being chased through cities and woods, fields and streams by stinking reanimated corpses vomiting rotten blood...well, we're all food, aren't we? Republicans, Democrats, blacks, whites, gays, straights...we're finally all on equal footing. You can't tell me you're going to stop while being chased down the road by a muscle bound zombie named Rocco (he worked at the local filling station and you never liked his looks, but you never had a run in with him, either) and give the Republican who's trying to escape with you a lecture on politics, can you? No! You're going to run and sprint and save all of that breath and energy for escape! I mean sure, you might trip the Republican, but I still call that survival, not politics. Maybe we can't all just get along, but we can all surely be entrees.

10. You're going to have to read what I write because I'm all you'll have!:

Ok, maybe not ALL you have, but I'll be damn close. Considering how may authors are out there, chances are maybe a few will survive, but the chances that they'll keep churning out books is slim. Without the money behind them and with most of the human race left in tatters, it will probably seem pointless. But not to me! I think the destruction of the world might be just the shot in the arm my career needs. Rest-assured, I will be here, writing and ranting, squawking and splitting infinitives long after the rest of these writers succumb to the flesh-eating scourge that's on the way. It's not necessarily a threat, but, you's not supposed to be comforting, either.